So, this post is a take-two from a couple nights ago.
I spent over an hour preparing a Mother’s Day blog, with a check-in as to how my Mary Project was faring. After completing and hitting “publish,” our internet went down and everything was deleted. Being the novice blogger that I am, of course I had no back up for my post. So, it is somewhere in the internet world, not attached to my blog. But, the whole fiasco tied in perfectly to my update. Due to internet issues block-wide, I have attempted to post this update for 2 days now.
As of today, I am into day 12 of wearing skirts. Of course, all of my skirts that I am wearing had to be vetted – every single one of them had to be worn with “chasing of a toddler” in mind. Therefore, all of my skirts had to go below my knee so that I could bend and scoop up a small child without flashing anyone; they also had to have an ability to run and maneuver with a squirming, flailing-arm child as the child resisted being moved from point A to point B. Thankfully, I found a few skirts that will do the trick, and have already settled upon my absolute favorite skirt that I think I would live in, if I continued the challenge for a considerable length of time.
Keep in mind the point of this Mary Project is to bring me closer to the Holy Family, and ultimately closer to Jesus. That said, I noticed toward the end of the first week of the challenge that I was waning in patience. As in, I had absolutely no patience. For anyone. I had no patience for my dogs, no patience for Man Cub, no patience for stupidity or stupid people (granted, that is not a new annoyance of mine), and no patience for hiccups in my schedule. The smallest thing would annoy me, make me angry, and then I would have difficulty letting go of my anger.
The annoyance that I had, and the difficulty letting go of the anger, made me wonder what was going on with me. Usually, I am good about letting things roll off my back – I am quick to find the pleasure in the little moments. It took me years of therapy to get to the point where I didn’t stress over being perfect, and didn’t stress having to have everything perfect; and, I have been pretty even-keel for the last couple years. But, my impatience, anger, and annoyance came back with a vengeance. Since when? I was able to trace it back to the day – since day 2 of the challenge.
Now, some people may not find any significance in the timing. Others would point out that I am in the midst of moving cross country (or, sending all my possessions across the ocean and country to our next destination), and that is highly stressful for anyone. Still others would simply inform me I am a tired mom of a very active toddler, and would naturally be less patient because I am tired.
That said I find the timing not coincidental at all. Instead, I am intrigued that I would choose to do something to draw myself closer to the Lord and His mother, and seemingly out of nowhere, I lose my ability to have patience (for the little things, let alone the major things), and lose the ability to let my anger roll off my back, and lose my ability to have my annoyance dissipate quickly.
I stumbled upon this realization about my lack of patience, my annoyance and anger, at the end of this past week, and just recognizing it has helped me to kind of center myself again. In a way, I find myself utilizing some of my cognitive behavioral techniques I have learned, but also asking myself “what would Mary do,” in situations where my blood pressure is rising.
And, I found that I was able to control my anger, annoyance, irritability, and overall impatience when my initial blog post was entirely deleted a couple nights ago. That proved to me that I am getting back on the right track, and makes me wonder what the next test that will present itself as I try to find my way closer to God.
I have also found myself spending time daily contemplating on one aspect of Mary’s life. There are no particular aspects of her life that I concentrate on, but I find myself wondering at times if she ever felt annoyed by others, if she ever was vex with Jesus, or what she thought about as she cooked dinner or cleaned or did other simple chores for her family. I find myself wondering about her dreams and aspirations. And, I find myself wondering these things at the most random of times. So, I would say in a way that yes, this project is bringing me closer to Mary.
I have tried veiling one time, since I’ve only been to Adoration once since the challenge began. It did not make me feel holy, and did not do anything to aid my spiritual life. Instead, I felt hot, awkward, and stifled – physically and spiritually, as odd as that sounds. I spent more time focused on my head, than focused on the time I was spending with the Lord. Granted, I was not using a lace veil – I am using a scarf Soldier Boy has brought back for me on one of his few trips to the other side of the world. Those things are made to be worn on a daily basis, throughout the entire day, so I figure I can wear it one hour a week, if that. Although I felt weird, stifled, and overall unholy, I am hoping to try veiling a couple more times in the next few weeks to see if my initial reaction is the same throughout, or if it goes away over time.
I will close with saying that this past weekend was a celebration of mothers. Regardless of whether or not you are a mother to a human baby, a fur-baby, a biological baby, a foster baby, or a relative, know that this past weekend was a weekend for you. There is no greater example for us to turn in history, than to the love and example shown to us by the Blessed Virgin Mary. May we all turn to her in the moments where she is most needed, and may we ask for her intercession to her Son, Our Lord, when we request her prayers to Him. We don’t worship Mary, we simply ask her to pray for us, in the same way we ask other people in our lives to pray for us. She is the epitome of what a good mother is, and we should attempt to emulate her through our actions and daily lives.