It dawned on me last night, as my insomnia decided to kick in, that I like to talk. I like to talk a lot – about a variety of subjects.
However, I am picky about who I talk to – not because I am discriminatory in my social practices, but rather because I am an introvert at heart. It takes a lot of effort for me to carry on a conversation with strangers, or people I don’t know well.
It also takes some effort to carry on a conversation with family and friends that I do know quite well. I was once told by a friend that, before she got to know me, she thought I was a witch (but, change the “w” to another friendly letter); after she got to know me, she realized I wasn’t a witch, but rather just a quiet person.
I have always been the person that hangs to the back of a crowd, observing – in school, I was the kid with my nose stuck in a book. In fact, I recently had a conversation with a friend who seemed sad that I preferred to read as a kid, rather than interact with my peers. I flat-out told her that she didn’t need to feel sorry for me, as it was the only position in school that made me most comfortable. While it may have looked disheartening to some, it was actually a rather welcome relief from having to feel any pressure to socialize with peers, around whom I historically felt (and still feel at times) uncomfortable.
Perhaps the only person that conversation typically flows freely is with Soldier Boy. And, since I can’t quite easily talk to him right now, and I don’t like to disturb others (even if they are 6 hours behind me in time, so when it is midnight my time, it’s only dinner time their time), that is leading to some restless nights after Man Cub goes to bed.
Man Cub fell asleep wrapped around my arm last night, holding one of my fingers in each of his hands. As I was laying there, contemplating all the things that I would talk about to Soldier Boy, I was also wrestling with the idea of somehow extricating myself from the death grip of my child, and slipping out of bed to update my blog. However, after exerting a not-inconsequential amount of effort to get released from the Man Cub sized jaws of life, I fell asleep before completing my plan.
Thinking about it this morning, my mind is wrapped up in other topics – no longer do I care to opine about the various religious, geopolitical, or domestic-related topics that were so very clearly on my mind last night. Perhaps it is a good thing I didn’t grab a seat at the computer…
That said, one thing that sticks with me from my insomnia-laden hour (or slightly more) last night is that I miss Soldier Boy. I am sure had he been there, he would have been rolling his eyes in the dark as I yapped on about my current thoughts about life; or, better yet, I may not have had the energy to keep everyone up late because I would have expended all of it by talking about those “midnight oil” conversations earlier in the evening.
Overnight, I had a dream that shook me. Actually, I remember waking one time from one dream that I can’t recall this morning; I then had a second dream that I remember vividly. It was a very sobering dream, and made me realize how much I appreciate my marriage and the contributions Soldier Boy makes to our partnership.
I have been praying a lot for our marriage, not because there is anything “wrong” per se, but because deployments are rough. Statistics on deployments and marriages are not the most happy reading to digest. And, because I am re-learning the benefit of the power of prayer in all aspects of life.
So, as I try to shake off the dream I do recall, I will attempt to put on a smiling face, and a chipper attitude (something Soldier Boy will be able to vouch for – I don’t pull that one off too well when I don’t want to), to prepare for waking Man Cub. I will try to keep positive thoughts in my head and heart about the issues underlying my dream. And, I will continue to create my plan for Soldier Boy’s next care package.
As well meaning as friends and family are by reminding me how close the reunion with Soldier Boy is on the calendar, when days and nights crawl by, it only serves to remind me how many more days we still have. I’m sure that is a “glass half-empty” view right now. But, while the countdown to reunion is getting closer, there is something to be said about it looking like it is still forever from now. I am pretty sure that Soldier Boy feels the same way. I do find some heartwarming thoughts that at least the countdown is on… while a snide side of me brings up the point that the countdown began the day he left this last summer!
So, enjoy the day and all it brings! If you have a better half that you will see today, make sure to give them a big hug and recognize the importance of their role to your union and your life. Even verbalize to them the power of their contribution to your union. It may not be a complete salve for whatever is going on in your life as a couple together, but at least you have the ability to share something positive about them, with them.
We all like to hear something positive about us every once in a while…
One thought on “Insomnia and Bad Dreams Lead to Deep Thoughts”
You know you are always in our prayers. I completely understand what you have written here and will always respect your level of comfort when it comes to what you want to share about what's happening in your life. I'm the same way. I only share what I want to share because I'm more private than people think.