Our family is currently counting down the days to some major changes.
As I kicked off the new year, I wrote about my oldest boy’s cute prayer to God for a baby brother. This week, I am entering 36 weeks pregnant, and we are living on borrowed time – knowing our newest little guy will be here sometime this month.
To say I was surprised when we found out I was pregnant again would be an understatement. I truly believe I was shell-shocked for the first 28 weeks of my pregnancy. Not in a “how could this happen,” sense – especially since, as one OB pointed out, I should have that figured out by now. In fact, the entire situation has rattled my faith, which is something I explored over at Everyday Ediths yesterday.
Instead, I was caught up in the, “why would God trust me with another?!”
The first several months of this pregnancy had me seriously searching for God’s motives – questioning His will, and why He would want me to ever mother anymore children.
To say I was unexcited for this little guy would be disingenuous – I have been fiercely in love with him from the moment the test confirmed the pregnancy. Every appointment, I have breathed a sigh of relief when we have seen the flutters of a heartbeat.
And yet, I still struggled with why.
As I sat in church lately, my mind drifted during a rather well-articulated homily. My thoughts turned to a stirring in my heart. What came to mind was,
“You can’t live entirely with your eyes set toward Heaven. You must live in the world, and be a witness to My Love – and, spread that with the world around you.”
I have spent quite some time contemplating that, and I have begun to understand that my doubts and fears, and the questions I have asked about “why,” stem not from doubting God, but rather myself.
By all accounts, I haven’t lived a “difficult” life compared to others. I have had some setbacks in my life, and some obstacles to overcome, but in the grand scheme of things, I have truly been blessed.
However, I am the kind of person who is always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Given some personal experiences in my life, deep down I struggle to feel as though I deserve anything good. And, I admit being fearful of being asked to mother any human – since I struggle to see what is good in me that God would like to draw out.
And yet, He doesn’t always call the qualified. Rather, He qualifies those called to His service.
Only in the last six weeks have I surrendered this little guy to God – acknowledging my first several months’ mistrust in His plans and ideas for me to become a “Mom of Three.” I finally realized God has this enormous game plan of which I am not privy – at least, not yet, if ever.
As I slowly began to acknowledge His will be done, I also began realizing it is through His desires that He will help me.
If I am willing to accept His will, and if I am willing to allow Him to equip me. If I am willing to be open to His guidance.
By secular society’s standards, we are now going from the “perfect size family – one boy, one girl,” to a “large” family.
The way in which I approach this new stage, and the upcoming years of extended sleep-deprivation, toddler-tantrums, and everything in between is what is going to help me ultimately realize the enormity of what it means to follow Christ. It’s going to help me place a deeper trust in God, and keep me humbly recognizing that I don’t have all the answers – nor should I desire all the answers.
Through my family, I will be given the tools to witness to the love of God – for all His creatures.
I don’t feel qualified to be a mother of three, but I have chosen to stop asking Him “why.”
Instead, I am choosing to ask God “how.”
How can I best allow Him to work in me, to bring His Love to the world?
How can I assist Him in fulfilling His dreams and plans, not just for me, but for my family?
How can I open myself up more, in order that I learn to fully rely on Him?
Our God is an awe-some God, Who sometimes displays a wicked sense of humor. And yet, He is always waiting, arms outstretched, to welcome His prodigal children home – the ones who have doubted the ways in which He works, the reasons behind His plans, and the ways His plans will unfold.
However, God is Love. Therefore, His plans are created with utmost care and love. They are put into place in a manner in which we, wayward children that we are, are gently called back to Him.
Perhaps all of us are being called, deep down, to not question why – but rather, to question how.
How we can be of better service to Him?
How we can be more receptive to His plans for this world?
How we can be more trusting of Him?
How can we allow Him to lead us Home?